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| What happened to the 'listening to? watching?' whatever stuff? Oh well I'm gonna do this on my own! Listening to: Chris Brown ft. Benny Benassi - Beautiful People What's good xanga community? I've decided to try to update this often as possible, and since it's summer I can update almost everyday. I finished finals on Wednesday of last week but didn't come home until Saturday, it was a nice relaxing break except...I got sick on Thursday and bummed because of my sickness on Friday. All in all this semester was really great. This semester made me realize how much I love college, because to be honest when I first entered college I didn't really understand. Of course, later that year freshman occurred and it was an amazing ride. This semester I guess I kind of opened up from my shell and people could tell. It was really nice, and my roommate situation was really great. We had our ups and downs but in the end I'm sitting here typing this and missing them. It was tough to move out of our apartment. It was nice, clean (most of the time), and ours. That was the most important thing. It was mine, Pushpit's, and Rishi's. (By the way since I haven't updated this in a while I'm going to be throwing around names of people, events, and a lot of random things that probably aren't going to make sense at first but I will try to elaborate as much as I can). It's nice being home, it really is but I definitely miss the apartment and the guys. So what have I done today? Nothing. Most of my days will probably comprise of nothing but hey I want to type so if you're reading this...sorry. Basically so far all I've done is wake up and eat, I forgot that I had work today but luckily I remembered ahead of time. So I will go to work at 4:45, leave at 9:00pm and probably come back and do a bunch of nothing. I ordered my headphones finally but the damn company won't process my order, I want them to ship them out soooon! Check them out! Pretty exciting, I've never bought a very expensive set of headphones so I'm really excited, and supposedly these are one of the best ones out there right now. What else...I could update about my life, but that would take FOREVER so I will do that in increments. I'm going to stop blogging for now but I'm sure at work I'll update this post and include some new shit. Peace, Jay | | |
| I'm trying, I really am. It's just hard and keeps getting harder. | | |
| I haven't written in this in a while and I actually went through it last week and it brought back a lot of memories. At times I feel like going back, going back to high school and embracing what we really had. We were young, didn't care for much, just enjoyed. Enjoyed the good times we had, enjoyed just hanging out. I miss my friends I miss them a lot more than they probably could fathom.
College isn't what I imagined, and that might be because I didn't allow it to be. Freshman year I didn't get to know as many people as I wanted to, I took the 'easy' route and joined a club and kept on with it. I regret that, not the fact that I joined, but the fact that I joined so early and I feel like it hindered my ability to meet people. I haven't met anyone here that I am close to, that I want to see everyday and just feel all around comfortable with. That's why I miss home and that's really bad. I don't want to be in this position, I want to make those 'ever-lasting' relationships here too. It's just not happening, as you get older it's harder and harder to meet people. I always keep my hopes up and day after day I say today is a new day. I wake up with the same mind set, but it hasn't helped. I won't go as far as to say I'm hopeless, but I feel that way sometimes.
A lot has happened over the past year or so and I don't really want to disclose all of it. It's all mainly really stupid, incredibly stupid. I'll just go into things that are going on in my life about now. People ask me all the time, you know in just meeting up or whatever, "how are things?" I always say they're alright or okay, but in reality I think it's a facade I put on. I often have the feeling of wanting to go home or wanting to meet up with people from home. That's not the way college should be, I won't say I've had a hard time adjusting, but if there is a place I've had a hard time adjusting in it is the social aspect. I don't drink still, which I'm proud of myself for because I really don't see a need to get wasted, not remember what I'm doing, not have control over my emotions or actions and act like a complete idiot. The problem is, during the weekends I want to forget. I want to forget a lot of things that happen to me, or that I'm a part of. My grades are getting better, but could be better. I don't manage my time well, I don't do anything extracurricular, I don't play tennis anymore at all, I don't have a close person to me, I don't have a girlfriend, I'm not good at anything. I'm really not. Today and the past few weeks, my roommate and our friends come over and play Madden. They all gradually get better and I don't. And this really takes me back to the days where I played tennis. I tried, I tried so hard and I loved every minute of it. And as much as I chastised myself for all the times I didn't do well in it, all the times I lost, all the times I made the wrong decisions during matches, during the practices where I leashed out on people that didn't deserve it, I miss it. I miss me being active. I literally wake up, get ready, go to class, eat, computer, study or whatever, sleep. It's a constant cycle and its sickening. And it builds more stress. I want to punch something right now, I want to tear something apart, I'm getting irritated easily, and I don't have an outlet for anything. Tennis was my outlet. It allowed me to be myself, loud, active, and all around have fun. The court was the only place where I felt like 'Look, Jay you're in control. You have the ability to at least compete.' I like to think I'm not a competitive guy, but being here I've become one. It's not all bad, except I have no talent. Madden is just one example, and my roommate is extremely competitive. At times I feel like yelling at him and I can't and have no right to. I don't like the way I'm becoming. Nothing is going for me, except possibly my grades. My schedule is easy, I won't lie, but I should still be doing better than what I am. I need to MANAGE MY TIME. As far as everything else, the one girl I was interested in has basically moved on and I won't lie it hurts a lot. She doesn't go here because the girls I know here are insane, then again I don't know many. I just wish I could be more social or people were more social towards me. The fact that I think and miss high school so much is in my eyes unhealthy. I need to move on and live my life.
I really can't stop thinking about her either. I had lunch with a friend today and I blanked out again thinking about her. How bad I want her, how bad I like her? I don't usually feel like this. I'll see girls on campus and say damn she's cute, but I'm not one of these guys who pursues everything he sees. I don't want just any girl, I want a chill girl, who is down to earth and has a great personality. But all this is bs and I'll probably keep posting here because this is my outlet now. I miss tennis more than ever but it's too cold. Once it warms up I'm going to get my ass out there because enough is enough. Being a bum is no fun/depressing. I need to blow off steam once in a while and that's my way. Til' then I feel pathetic coming back to this but it's the only way.
P.S. I think xanga needs to quit being stupid now and trying to do what myspace and facebook are doing with all of its' applications and whatnot. Go back to the old, old is gold.
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| I have a set of new goals, one in particular. | | |
| Ladies and gents I must say the essence of the Xanga layout has almost slipped my mind but I figured Ill write up a post since I dont do anything else. Lately I've been basically really lonely..? I haven't been going out as much and just thinking about too much in general. College looms and I hate when people ask me all about it. I dont know or think Ill get into the college of my choice--first choice being the University of Virginia. We'll see though. As far as girls, a lot of things have changed and I cant say for the best. She has a boyfriend now and I mean Im really happy for her I just wished I lived closer so I could've had a shot. Its funny when things dont work out the way you want or the way you wish it would. I just wish once in a while things would go my way. I mean I dwelled over a girl for almost 3 years and didn't work, and now this new girl that I met last year has a boyfriend which is great because I mean Im not there but you understand what Im saying. I mean it bothers me but I can live with it, I have atleast. But friendships are another funny thing. I feel like my friendships have declined each year. With that declining I've also realized that I'm also very awkward at times, I don't mean to be but I am. I want to meet new people but also get closer to the people that live here, but thats not working. I don't know what it is, if something is wrong with me I'd like to know what so I could atleast fix it and not feel so uncomfortable. I'm not very interesting which I mean not everyone or everything is meant to be, I just wish I was. The very few friends and handful of friends that I have are fine, but if they leave town I feel really bored and lonely and also when I try to call or talk to new people around its always awkward to them so I try not to bother. I donno maybe its me..maybe its me.. | | |
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